


We're Stars And We're Beautiful.

by brooklynbis



Series: Harry's Adventures With 'The Pissing Evil'. [8]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Chronic Illness, Crying, Dissociation, Eating Disorders, Eleanor Is A Beard, Established Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson, F/M, Larry Stylinson Is Real, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Illnesses, Panic Attacks, Protective!Louis, Protective!Niall, Sick!Harry, Sickfic, T1D, but eleanor is actually a decent person here, diabetic!harry, diabetic!harry au, diabulimia, harry is louis' baby, louis won't take any shit from management, management are pieces of shit, protective!liam, protective!zayn, set in 2015, supportive!louis, type one diabetes, what a surprise, zayn didn't leave in this one
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-05
Updated: 2019-02-05
Packaged: 2019-10-22 23:10:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,519
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17671913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brooklynbis/pseuds/brooklynbis
Summary: It had been months since Harry had last wanted to relapse. Since his coma incident, Louis always kept more tabs on his injections and what he was eating, and Harry appreciated it, he truly did. He would've relapsed many times since then if it hadn't been for Louis.But now Louis was away on one of his PR stunts with Eleanor again. Unless it was Louis, he didn't like being babied anymore. He didn't need a babysitter.Or maybe he did._________________________AKA Harry wants to relapse, Louis loves his baby no matter what, all of the band are angry at management and fans and Louis can't stand people insulting his husband.





	We're Stars And We're Beautiful.

**Author's Note:**

> this fic is a continuation of 'I'll Guide You Home (With My Lighthouse)' as requested, so it'll probably make more sense if you read that one first!
> 
> this one isn't actually really based off my own experiences. I had to do some research for this as somebody requested it on one of my previous works, so I apologise for any inaccuracies. Some of Harry's thoughts and actions are written from my own experiences however. This one is more focused on the eating disorder part rather than the diabetes
> 
> trigger warnings : blood tests, injections, depression, eating disorders, panic attacks, some dissociation (doesn't this sound like a happy ole fic huh) (it ends happily I promise)  
> title from 'Scars To Your Beautiful' by Alessia Cara   
> comments, feedback and kudos would be appreciated if you enjoyed, plus any prompts which you can leave in the comments or in my tumblr ask box @/brooklynbis

It had been months since Harry had last wanted to relapse. Since his coma incident, Louis always kept more tabs on his injections and what he was eating, and Harry appreciated it, he truly did. He would've relapsed many times since then if it hadn't been for Louis. 

It had been a year since he had collapsed on stage, and they were due to start the Where We Are tour again in a couple of weeks. It had been postponed because of him, because the band had kicked up a fuss to management's idea to continue with the tour when Harry almost died because of his state of mind. 

Unfortunately for them, management had decided that those two weeks would be perfectly spent with Louis in Amsterdam with Eleanor, for a 'romantic trip away' before they headed off on tour. There was nothing anybody could do, which is how Harry ended up spending the last week alone in his and Louis' little flat in London. Niall had offered to come and stay with him, but unless it was Louis, he didn't like being babied anymore. He didn't need a babysitter. 

Or maybe he did. 

____________________________

It was on day three of Louis being away that the thoughts began to pop back into Harry's head, through no fault but his own. He and Louis had been texting almost constantly since he had left, having facetime calls every evening, but he didn't feel close enough to Louis, his rock. He knew it was ridiculous to be so dependant on his husband, but he couldn't help it - Louis made him feel safe, protected, loved. That was all he ever really wanted. 

On the third day, he got up as if it were a regular day. He showered whilst humming along to his spotify playlist, dressed in a loose shirt, halfway undone due to the unnatural heat sweeping across London at the minute, adding a pair of jeans and Chelsea boots, grabbing his sunglasses and a hat to balance on his long curls. 

It was when he went to make himself some breakfast that he realised they were running low on food. He couldn't find any of the raspberry granola he liked for breakfast, and the lemon yogurt he usually put it with was almost used as well. Upon further inspection, most of the cupboards were empty, which meant he would have to go food shopping alone. 

He just sighed, grabbing his testing kit from the counter and quickly taking a sample of blood, reading the '12.3' on the screen before turning the meter off. He decided to give an injection when he got back, when he had breakfast. 

It didn't take him long to do the shopping, considering he was only buying enough stuff for himself for a minute. He would buy what they needed for the couple days before they left when Louis returned. What he did not anticipate, was fans to have spotted him doing grocery shopping, and when he tried to leave the supermarket with the four carrier bags of food and other supplies that he had, he had people banging into him left, right and center. 

Being the polite person he was, he tried to take some pictures with some of the fans, smiling and waving even though all he wanted to do was get to his car and go home. 

"Harry, why was the tour cancelled?" 

"Harry, are you ill?" 

"It's your fault the tour was cancelled!" He frowned at that, but quickly removed it when he remembered there was cameras around. 

He had always felt guilty for the break the band had in the middle of the tour. It had made big news that he had collapsed at their London concert, and then when the tour was postponed until further notice a few days later, and people hadn't failed to put the pieces together and make assumptions. They had all reassured him that they all needed a break too, and the most important thing to them was that everybody in the band was alright. 

"Harry, you're not going to faint and postpone the tour again, right?"

"Look at how much food he's got." 

"He's put on weight again in his break." 

"It's a shame, he looked great before the tour got cancelled." 

That was when he'd decided he'd had enough of socialising with the 'fans', quickly saying goodbye and moving as quickly as he could through the crowd to his car, unlocking it and getting in, not even bothering with a seatbelt as he started the car and drove away as quickly and as safely as he could, just to get away from the crowd of girls that were attempting to follow his car. 

Once he had lost them, he pulled over the car into a layby and turned off the engine, resting his head against the steering wheel as he took a few deep breaths, trying to steady his shaking hands. He might not have relapsed since a few months ago, but that by no means meant he was better, or okay. 

He knew that if he wasn't careful, he could relapse, and he knew that was so much easier for him since Louis wasn't there, so he decided to go to the next best people. 

"Hey Harry, you're up early," He heard Niall yawn from the other end of the phone, making him chuckle a bit. 

"It's nearly 11am Ni," Harry smiled as he rested his head against the headrest of his seat. 

"Early," he whined. "What you up to anyway?" 

"Nothing much. Did you want to come round for a bit? Watch some films or something?" Harry suggested, biting his lip even though he knew Niall probably wouldn't reject his plans. 

"Yeah sure, you'll have to give me some time to wake up properly and drive over though," Niall yawned. 

"I can just come and pick you up if you want, I'm out anyway," Harry offered. 

"Sounds good, are Li and Zayn in?" Niall asked. 

"Dunno, I'll ring them and find out. If they are, I'll swing round and pick them up first because I'm closer to their place, if that's alright with you?" 

"Sure, see you in a bit mate," Niall said before hanging up. Harry got a similar answer from Liam, who answered on his and Zayn's behalf, and before he knew it, he had a car full of his favourite people. 

"Look at you, all domesticated," Liam mocked with a smile as he noticed Harry's carrier bags of food in the back where he and Zayn were seated. 

"No, Li, it's called being an adult with basic functioning skills, but you wouldn't know that," Harry replied with a chuckle as he indicated to turn back onto the street that he and Louis lived on. 

"Hey, let's remember who got the nickname Daddy Direction because they were the only relatively responsible one in the band?" 

"Shame it didn't continue as you grew," Niall laughed from where he was sat next to Harry, making the entire car laugh as Harry parked in the parking space he had behind the block of flats. 

"Lead the way, I'll be right behind you," Harry said as they all got out of the car, chucking Zayn his house key as he and Liam began to walk towards the back entrance to the building. Harry only noticed that Niall had waited for him to grab the food when he locked the car and saw him stood by the passenger's door. Without a word, he took two of the bags from Harry as they followed Zayn and Liam. 

"You alright? How you doing without Louis here?" Niall asked quietly so the others wouldn't hear him. 

"Yeah, I'm fine, was just a bit bored," Harry lied, not trusting any of them to tell Louis how he really was. There was no need to worry him when they were already in a shitty situation with Eleanor anyway. 

"Alright, but if you wanna talk, I'm here." 

___________________________

The urge happened again two days later, after another interaction with fans. Harry hadn't told Louis about the supermarket incident, not wanting to worry his husband when there was nothing he could do. 

This time, he had gone out with Gemma for the day, the two of them deciding to take a couple of the kids from their family, Noah, Lyla and little baby Paige to a zoo for the day. Gemma was meant to be looking after the three young children for a couple of days anyway, whilst their parents went away on a romantic weekend break for their anniversary, so she decided to take them to Harry's and keep him company. Gemma had driven the four of them to Harry's, where they were going to stay for a couple of days, before Harry had driven them all to the zoo. 

It had been a fun day for the most part, Noah and Lyla getting excited for seeing the various animals, and Paige content enough as long as she was dry and fed. Harry had to carry Lyla for a large portion of the day, since she was only three and got tired easily, plus she couldn't see the animals very well otherwise, but Noah was happy to run around all day, like most seven year olds do. 

"Lyla, did you want a little toy lion to take home with you? You liked seeing them, didn't you?" Harry asked as he showed her the small stuffed lion, which she instantly grabbed at whilst babbling on to him about the 'big lion's fluffyness'. He couldn't help but shake his head and smile fondly. 

"Did Noah find anything?" Harry asked Gemma when he found her across the shop, as she turned to him and chuckled. 

"Oh yeah, it's a good thing you've got a big car," She chuckled when she motioned to him stood by a massive cuddly penguin. She had Paige in one arm, who was starting to get grizzly as it approached feeding time again. She was a tiny baby, only five months old, and Harry couldn't help but adore her. He couldn't help but think about how he and Louis could have a baby that tiny one day. 

"You can have it Noah, but you won't be able to have much else, I don't want Mummy and Daddy to get mad at me," Harry chuckled as he cheered, not even attempting to lift it up from the sheer size of it. 

"I found some little wooden blocks with animals on for Paige, along with a stuffed monkey, and Lyla got the stuffed lion and a couple of books," Harry told Gemma as he put Lyla on the ground gently, who was wriggling in his arms to go and look at the massive penguin with her brother. 

"Do you have the spare supplies in your car? I don't have any more milk in her changing bag," Gemma asked as she tried to gently bounce Paige so she wouldn't start screaming. 

"Yeah, let me pay for this lot and I'll take it back to the car and grab the milk whilst I'm at it. We can sit down and have some lunch before we look at the rest of the zoo?" he suggested as she nodded, taking Paige outside into the sunshine as Harry instructed the two excited kids to go with her. 

"You're a good father to them, you know," the shop assistant said as Harry lifted the penguin for her to scan. 

"Oh, I'm not their dad." He said as she quickly scanned the other toys and souvenirs, carefully packing the smaller items into a bag for him.

"Well you'll certainly make a good dad one day then. That'll be £76.98 then please," she said, as he put his card into the machine. 

"Thank you," he said as his card was accepted, he pocketed it before grabbing the penguin under one   
arm and the carrier bag in the other. "Have a nice day." 

He walked out of the zoo at a relatively fast pace, wanting to get to his car and get the milk before Paige starting crying at Gemma. He was on his way back towards the zoo entrance with the spare bag slung over his shoulder when he was stopped by a small group of girls.

"Are you Harry Styles? Could we get a picture?" one of them asked excitedly as he smiled and nodded. "We're huge fans of your music." 

"Thank you. Want me to take it?" he asked as the girl handed him her phone and he quickly snapped a selfie with the five of them in the frame. 

"Are you alright now that the tour's going ahead?" One of them asked as he smiled and nodded. 

"Yeah, much better thank you. Tour can get quite overwhelming sometimes," he chuckled as they nodded in agreement. 

"You weren't on tour for very long though, you'd not even finished the UK leg, which was the first bit," one of them frowned in confusion as he shrugged. 

"I'd been having some health issues before the tour had started," he said, which wasn't technically a lie. It wasn't that he had lied to the fans about his diabetes, he just didn't really make it public knowledge. 

"A lot of people thought that you'd developed an eating disorder or something, but I thought that was stupid. You clearly don't have an eating disorder, y'know? Losing some weight isn't always bad," one of them said casually as he gulped and tried to act as normal as possible. 

"I totally think you looked better before the tour was cancelled anyway, were you on some sort of special diet or something?" 

"Something like that," he said, avoiding looking at the girls as he longed for Gemma to come and find him. 

"Because I really think you should go back to it, you looked a lot better before, when you had lost some weight. Plus, I could do with getting some results from a diet that quickly," one of them laughed as he forced a laugh as well before his phone buzzed in his pocket with a message from Gemma. 

"It was lovely speaking to you all, but I probably need to go and find Gem, I hope to see you all on the tour!" he said with a fake smile before quickly striding towards the entrance. He walked through the zoo towards the small cafe Gemma said she had taken the kids too, smiling when he saw Gemma trying to entertain the two older children whilst they waited for their lunch. 

"Got the milk," he announced as he put the bag down on the picnic bench. 

"You okay? That took a while," Gemma frowned as she passed Paige to Harry who had started to whimper from hunger. 

"Yeah, just bumped into some fans. Did you want to take them to order? Let them have whatever they want, within reason, you too," Harry offered as he sat down opposite Gemma, Noah and Lyla cheering at the mention of food. 

"Okay, what did you want?" She asked as she stood up, watching Harry coax the young baby to start to drink from the bottle. 

"Whatever, you know I'm not picky," he dismissed, grateful for the peace when Gemma took the children into the small cafe. He didn't know how to feel about what the fans had said to him, so instead he focused on the warm baby in his arms, looking at him as she drunk the milk, little chubby legs and arms on show due to the heat. 

"Put some more cream on you in a bit, yeah? Don't want your little skin getting burnt," he talked to her quietly, even though she couldn't understand what he was saying. He couldn't help but stroke his thumb up and down her little leg, smiling as she seemed so content in his arms. 

One day, he and Louis would get to have a life like this. 

__________________________

He hit his lowest point since Louis had left once Gemma had taken the three children back to Chesire on the Sunday afternoon. What the fans had said to him at the zoo a couple of days prior had stayed with him, and wouldn't stop bugging his mind whenever he was alone. 

And now he was alone. 

And he made the stupid mistake of opening twitter for the first time in months. 

Now, he was sat on the floor beside the balcony doors in his and Louis' bedroom, and he couldn't stop scrolling through his mentions. He had been sat there for a few hours, and he was sure he could feel his body had gone hypo, but he couldn't bring himself to test. He couldn't bring himself to move from the position he had settled in, body frozen as the truth of the fans words sunk in. 

Blaming him for the tour being cancelled, predicting he would only ruin the tour again, calling him an attention seeking ass, a fat freak, a selfish idiot and everything in between. And in that moment, everything from the past week hit him, and he couldn't help but see the truth in their words. 

Louis would be so disappointed. 

He told him to stay away from Twitter whilst he was gone, he told him to call him if anything went wrong. But he couldn't, he couldn't bother Louis whilst he was out in Amsterdam, where he couldn't do anything. But he couldn't accept help from anyone else. He felt pathetic to ask Niall, Liam or Zayn to stay with him, and do his injections for him, and make sure he ate regular meals. He was sure he would only end up annoying them before the tour had even begun. 

If he told them how he was feeling, the tour would only be postponed more, and then this whole situation would only get worse. 

But he also knew how close he was to relapsing in this moment. He knew how easy it would be to just give up on giving his injections, and he knew that if he did that now, Louis would return to find his husband dead in their apartment. 

He couldn't do that to Louis. He deserved so much better than that. 

So he found himself dialling Louis' number, biting his lips ridiculously hard to stop himself slipping away. He knew how easily he could slip into a state where he'd forget everything he'd have to do, and that would include his injections. 

"Hey babes, saw the pictures of you with the kids. You looked like a proper dad, bless," Louis said and Harry could hear the smile in his tone, which only made him feel more guilty. 

"Harry? You there?" he asked as Harry shook his head, knowing Louis couldn't see him. "I can hear your breathing Haz, are you alright?" 

"You told me to tell you if I ever felt shit," Harry whispered as he heard Louis' breathing hitch. 

"Do you feel like shit now?" Louis asked him gently as Harry closed his eyes to hold back his tears, feeling so guilty as he nodded. 

"Yeah," he breathed out. "I want to r-relapse Lou, and I-I know you can't do a-anything about it but you told me to t-tell you," He stuttered out, trying not to let out the sob that was building in his throat. 

"I did, and I'm so proud of you for telling me, yeah? I love you, so much Haz," Louis said softly, trying to soothe his boyfriend even when he wasn't anywhere close to him. 

"I love you too," Harry whispered again, trying not to let Louis know that he was crying, even if he had a suspicion that he already knew. 

"Look, I'm gonna make a couple of calls Haz, but do you mind if I get one of the boys to come round for a bit? I know you hate feeling like a burden, but I don't want you to be alone-" 

"Okay," he cut him off with the one word he said, and he could almost hear the sigh of relief Louis gave. 

"I love you baby, I'll speak to you in a little bit, yeah?" Louis asked as Harry just hung up the call as the sob escaped from his throat, letting the phone fall out of his hand and thud softly onto the carpeted floor as Harry curled in around himself, trying to make himself as small as he wanted to feel. 

Harry didn't know how much time had passed when he heard the sound of the front door to the apartment opening and being locked again. 

"Hey Harry," he heard Zayn say quietly from where he had found Harry, walking over to him and crouching down in front of him so he didn't look so imposing. 

"Did you want a cup of tea, mate?" Zayn asked as Harry looked up at him, eyes rimmed red and cheek shiny with tears. He shook his head, but didn't refuse Zayn's hug when he offered it, uncurling a bit so it was easier for Zayn to hug him. He hated feeling vulnerable and like a burden to anyone, but he knew it would only worry Louis further if he said he wanted to be alone. 

"Shall we move into the living room? Could put on one of those comedians you like to watch," Zayn suggested as Harry frowned in confusion. He never admitted to the comedians he liked to watch, but whenever he felt a bit down he and Louis would sit down and watch a couple of the various films they had, because they never failed to make Harry smile and laugh. 

He didn't bother questioning how Zayn knew about that, but nodded anyway and let Zayn help him up from the ground, following him into the living room where he sat down in the corner of the sofa, tucking his feet up under him and resting a large cushion in his lap as he watched Zayn make himself a hot drink from their open plan kitchen. 

"Did you want anything to eat, Hazza?" Zayn offered, although he knew the answer would be no. He still got the answer of no, so he didn't push it. Hopefully Louis would be able to find a quick flight home, because if anyone would get Harry to eat, it would be Louis. 

Harry felt awful for bothering Louis and Zayn. He knew that Liam and Zayn were supposed to be having a day to themselves today, and he'd ruined that by not being able to be independent, and now he's ruined Louis' holiday by not being able to look after himself. 

No wonder the fans preferred all of the other boys over him. 

"Harry? C'mon, get out of that little head of yours. Which comedian do you want to watch?" Zayn interrupted his thoughts, and Harry knew it was ridiculous that even Zayn could recognise when he was having bad thoughts now. 

"I don't mind," Harry mumbled, not wanting to be even more of an inconvenience to Zayn. If he had to be here, he should at least get to pick what they watched. 

"What about... Michael McIntyre? You have a fair few of those down here," Zayn said from where he had his back to Harry, browsing through their DVD collection on the shelves above the TV. 

"I don't mind," he repeated as Zayn grabbed one and set it up, sitting on the other side of the sofa as to give Harry the space he obviously wanted. If he wanted a hug, he would never refuse it, but judging by the way he was tucked up in the corner, he clearly didn't want that right now. 

They didn't talk much after that, but Zayn was pleased when he looked over and saw Harry had a small smile on his face every now and again. Even though he never laughed at the DVDs, smiling was progress that Zayn would take. 

"Want to change it up a bit? Or stick with Michael?" Zayn asked as he got up when the second DVD finished, as Harry shrugged again, having slunk down so he was lying on one half of the sofa. Zayn sighed, he knew he wasn't going to get much response from Harry whilst he was here, but he didn't know what to do or how to make him feel better.

He wasn't sure if there even was anything he could do. 

____________________________

Harry was alone again. Zayn had left at about 10 in the evening, with his apologies. He left Harry tucked up under a blanket, half asleep with the TV showing repeats of some show that Zayn was watching. He hadn't drunk the cup of tea that Zayn had left for him, it was still sitting on the coffee table, icy cold by now. 

He hadn't bothered to move. He had half expected one of the other boys to come in, because he knew that Louis and Zayn were probably talking about him over text, but nobody had arrived. Harry couldn't decide if he liked it or not. 

He hadn't heard from Louis since he'd told him he wanted to relapse. He couldn't help but think that he'd finally scared Louis off, that this was what he deserved, that Louis had finally left him and had realised how disgusting he really was. He knew, rationally, that it probably wasn't like that at all, but rationality was not in his mind at the minute. 

Nothing was really in his mind. He knew about halfway through Zayn's visit that he'd slipped into a not-caring state, and his mind had been numb and almost empty since then. He didn't really mind. 

He didn't blink when he heard a key insert into the lock and the door open, breaking the silence Harry had created in his mind. He didn't move when he heard somebody come into the living room, when he heard the loud footsteps turn into quiet ones. 

He could only bring his eyes to move when he recognised Louis' face in front of him from where he lay on the sofa. 

"You're not meant to be here," he mumbled, barely distinguishing his words, but Louis understood him. 

"You need me, so yes I am. Management can get screwed, but that's not today's battle, alright?" Louis reassured him, but Harry didn't reply. Not only had he screwed up by ruining Zayn's day and worrying Louis, but now Louis was going to get in the shit with management just before tour, all because of him. He knew already that Louis wouldn't let Harry take any of the shit from management, he'd take it all. He thought it was his position in the band as the older one to take the brunt of any of management's complaints, and he couldn't help but transfer that into their relationship. And Harry loved him for it, but he couldn't help but feel it wasn't fair. 

"Have you tested recently love?" Louis asked, but Harry could only hear him speaking as a whisper. He could feel himself retreating back into the emptiness of his mind, and clearly Louis noticed, because then he was back in front of him, touching his cheeks and his bare arms, talking to him even though he could see it wasn't getting through. 

He sat there on the floor beside the sofa, talking to Harry about anything and everything until he noticed that Harry was starting to come back to him. He hated this version of Harry, because whilst he loved him, this wasn't Harry. It wasn't his fault, it never was, but Louis hated feeling powerless when his baby was hurting. 

Harry could feel Louis' words begin to poke through the blankness after a while, and he knew Louis could tell. 

"Shh, it's alright babes, we've got all the time in the world, yeah? It's okay, take your time, I'm not mad," He said to him, rubbing Harry's arm gently and smiling when Harry moved his hand to cover Louis', trying to smile back at his husband but not quite being able to. 

"Let me test you love, and then we'll see about ordering some food. Still don't trust myself in the kitchen," Louis joked before getting up from where he was sat, jogging to the kitchen and grabbing the familiar bag before plumping back down beside Harry, where he could see him. 

"'M sorry," He mumbled as he watched Louis gently take his hand and prick the side of it to get some blood to test. 

"Nothing to be sorry for love. What do you fancy? Pizza? Fries? Chinese?" Louis suggested, wanting Harry to make the decision. He was more likely to actually eat then. 

"Nothing," He replied quietly as Louis helped him sit up, putting away the testing stuff before sitting in front of him on the coffee table. 

"I'd really love it if you'd eat something, Haz. It doesn't have to be much, but just something," Louis asked. 

"Later," Harry sighed reluctantly. 

"Alright, but I'm not letting it go Haz, it's for your own good," Louis sighed as he moved to wrap his arm around Harry's shoulders, letting him rest his head on his chest. 

"I know. It's what I need," Harry replied quietly as he shut his eyes again, wishing he could just go to sleep now that Louis was home. 

______________________________________

"So, dough balls? Garlic bread pizza? A regular pizza? Wedges?" Louis suggested as he read off various items from the Dominoes website. 

"Dough balls sounds alright. Dunno if I want much else," He said as he watched Louis put the items onto his order, not saying anything more as Louis put in various things for himself (he didn't tell Harry that he ordered more than necessary in hopes that he could coax Harry to eat more). 

"That look good to you?" Louis confirmed as they looked over his order. Harry nodded and rested his head on his shoulder as he completed the payment and opened the delivery tracker. 

"Want me to test you a minute?" Louis offered. Harry nodded enough so that Louis could feel the movement, pressing a gentle kiss to his shoulder before sitting up properly so Louis could leave to get the kit. His little nap had helped his emptiness to fade a bit, enough that he was actually responsive to Louis now, but he knew that if Louis left again, he'd only end up falling again and probably relapsing, which he didn't want. 

"What caused you to want to relapse, babes?" Louis asked casually as he didn't look up from the testing stuff to look at Harry's facial expression. 

"A couple things, it wasn't anything major," Harry dismissed, not wanting to get into the details again. He knew Louis would be disappointed in him. 

"If it made you want to relapse, then it was major babes. Talk to me, we've got all the time you need," Louis encouraged as he patted Harry's knee before beginning to prepare the insulin pen to give his injection when the food arrived. 

"I don't want you to hate them, or be disappointed with me," Harry replied as Louis walked over to the kitchen, flicking the switch on the kettle to make it boil, as he grabbed his mug and Harry's favourite mug. 

"I'm not gonna be disappointed, I promise. Was it the fans again?" 

"I don't think they realised what they were saying," Harry tried to defend them as Louis swore quietly and shook his head. 

"That doesn't matter, Haz. They hurt you again, I'm not going to stand for it," Louis said fiercely. "What did they say to you?" 

"I ran into some of them when I was getting some food, because we ran out of granola," Harry told him, flicking his long curls out of his face as he tucked a leg under his butt. He waited for Louis to sit down beside him on the sofa with the two mugs, twisting his body so he was sat crossed legged in front of his husband on the sofa. 

"They commented on the amount that I bought, and that it was my fault the tour was cancelled. And that they think I'm gonna do it again this time so we don't have to tour," He said, avoiding looking at Louis as he took his hand, linking them between their two bodies. "They said that I looked better before, when I had lost weight and I-I just-" He sighed, trying to get his thoughts out but not knowing how to say them. Louis rubbed his thumb over Harry's knuckles supportively. 

"I couldn't help but believe them I guess? I brushed it aside and invited the boys over for the day for a distraction, like you said, but it just... Lingered?" He said, almost as if he was asking that what he was feeling was alright. 

"You know now that they're not right though, yeah? You're gorgeous Haz, and I don't want you to end up killing yourself trying to achieve something that you already have," Louis replied to him, watching Harry nod reluctantly. 

"I know it wouldn't have affected me as much as it did if you were here, and I hate that I'm so dependant on you. If you ever left, I'm kinda screwed but I know it's probably going to happen because everything about me is so high maintenance." He barely paused to take a breath. Louis knew it was best to let Harry express all of his thoughts and feelings without consequence, but it still hurt that Harry didn't realise how much Louis loved him. 

"Harry, I promise you, I'm not going anywhere. Not now, not ever. You're kinda stuck with me, my love. You'll never be too high maintenance because I love you. I don't think you realise that the dependency thing goes two ways," Louis reassured him, smiling when Harry shuffled closer so both their knees were touching. 

"There was another meeting with fans too. At the zoo with Gem a couple days ago." 

"What did they say then?" Louis asked, trying to keep calm for the sake of Harry, but he knew at least some of his anger must've been showing through. 

"One of them had told me about the speculations that people thought I had an eating disorder and she basically said that I couldn't have an eating disorder. Another said that she wanted to know what diet I was on to get that skinny that quickly, and it just makes me so sad? Like I didn't realise they had guessed the eating disorder part but they put ideas in my head that I looked better before and that I should go back onto the diet and maybe I should because they all preferred me like that-" 

"Woah, no you don't Hazza, take a breath love," Louis cut him off when he noticed Harry getting carried away with himself, and Louis could feel his hands start shaking more from where they were held in Louis'. 

"That's it, it's all okay," Louis said quietly when he noticed Harry closing his eyes as he focused on taking some deep breaths as Louis had asked him to do. He couldn't make Louis madder than he already had. 

"If they preferred you when you were ill, then they don't count as fans. Let me show you something a minute," Louis said quietly, not interrupting Harry's peace as he dug his phone out from his back pocket, opening the photos app where he had all of the screenshots he wanted to show Harry. 

"Here you go, have a little flick through these," Louis said as he passed his phone to Harry and got up from the sofa to answer the door, leaving him alone to read through the tweets he had screenshotted. 

Not long after Harry was released from the hospital, Louis decided to do some digging to find out exactly what fans had been saying about Harry where they thought it wouldn't be seen. He'd been through tumblr, twitter, facebook and instagram, and had screenshotted the comments he particularly loved about Harry, the ones that cared about his wellbeing, and his health above anything else. He'd sent messages to a fair few of those people, thanking them for their kind words, even if he knew he wasn't meant to (and he blocked those that he saw were making the comments that made Harry doubt himself at all). 

Now was the right time to show some of them to him. 

He gave the delivery man a tip before taking the food and closing the door behind him, balancing the food in one hand to lock the door, to be on the safe side. He did not anticipate entering the living room again to see Harry crying on the sofa, phone now locked and placed carefully beside his leg. 

"Hey, what's wrong Haz? Talk to me, honey," Louis said, quickly putting the food down on the coffee table and crouching down in front of him, resting his hand on Harry's thigh and another at the back of his neck. 

He wasn't expecting to almost be knocked over by the force of the hug that Harry gave him, no words needed to be spoken. 

"Thank you, thank you, thank you," He mumbled over and over again into Louis' shoulder as he sighed and wrapped his arms tightly around Harry. 

"You don't have to thank me. You deserve to know how special you are." 

_______________________________

"So, in conclusion, I'm not going to be subtle this time. I'm not letting them keep going like this," Louis said determined to the three boys he was addressing, all of them nodding in agreement. 

"No, it's unacceptable. I can't imagine the shit he's been going through and not telling us about," Liam sighed. 

"It can't go unaddressed, and I'm not doing it management's way. That didn't work, clearly, and I'm not going to stand him being pushed to that point again by the people who are supposed to be loving and supporting us." Louis said. 

"No, of course not. None of us are going to let that happen, Lou, he's gonna be fine," Niall reassured him. Harry hadn't joined their little impromptu meeting because management had wanted him to be spotted with some random girl they'd hired to spark some dating rumours to get exposure for the tour. They hated it, but it had given Louis a chance to talk to the other boys about what they were going to do. 

"Is there anyone in particular you'd prefer to have an interview with about this? Did you want it to be a band thing, or just you...?" Liam asked as he stood up, looking at Louis as he sat down beside Zayn. 

"Make it a band interview I guess, obviously it won't be entirely about that but I just want to be able to address it. Somebody we trust, see if Grimmy can do an interview maybe? I know Harry trusts him," Louis replied as Liam nodded, leaving the room with his phone, clearly going to call Grimmy before management could catch wind. If they were lucky, they could do the interview before they started tour and were ruled by management. 

"How are you doing anyway Lou?" Zayn asked after a couple of minutes of them sitting quietly. 

"I'm fine?" Louis asked as he looked at Zayn with an expression of confusion. 

"You don't have to be for a minute. I get it, you love Harry, we all do, but it doesn't mean all of this can't take a toll on you too, it's stressful," Zayn said as Louis sighed and shook his head. 

"I can't complain, he's got it so much worse. My stress is nothing compared to everything he's feeling, I need to be there for him," Louis shrugged as Niall shook his head and got up, heading in the direction of his kitchen. 

"And you are, and he loves you for it. But you can't just not have feelings because you want to be there for him. You already are there for him, Lou." Niall said as he watched Zayn tug Louis in for a hug whilst he made some tea for everyone. 

"I just wish I could take everything bad away from him, he doesn't deserve it. And sometimes I don't know how to fix it or make it better for him, and I hate it, I hate feeling so helpless," Louis said quietly, running a hand through his long hair. 

"You do realise that even your presence makes things better for him, right?" Niall asked with a frown as Louis frowned back at him with confusion and his expression turned to one of shock. 

"Oh my god, Zayn! We've got a blind bandmate!" Niall exclaimed as Louis shook his head, tossing a pillow from the couch in his general direction. 

"Seriously though. You could walk into a room, and he instantly relaxes. Even if you don't know what you're doing, you being there helps him a lot," Zayn explained to him as Niall put the pillow back where it belonged. 

"Plus, I've seen you look after him a couple times, you seem like you're a bloody expert on all things Harry," Niall said, receiving a weak chuckle from Louis at that comment. 

"Hi," they heard Harry's greeting echo through the apartment, making Louis' smile widen instantly as he got out of Zayn's arms, quickly running over to where Harry was pulling off his boots, quick to wrap his arms around his taller husband. 

"Hello there, didn't realise you missed me that much," Harry chuckled as he stood up normally and returned the hug, burying his face into Louis' shoulders. 

"Yep," Louis murmured as he closed his eyes, smiling, feeling content. 

______________________________

"And here I am with them now! Welcome back boys!" Nick said as he turned to the five boys sat on the sofa opposite him. It was two days later, and without management's knowledge, they were filming an interview with Nick Grimshaw to go onto the Radio One YouTube page tomorrow morning, without any warning. 

"Nice to be back!" Liam greeted with a smile. Since management didn't know about this interview, and wouldn't know until it was posted (if they had their way), Louis had chosen to sit next to Harry, who was second closest to Grimmy, Niall on his other side. 

He asked a few generic questions before moving onto what Louis had asked him to ask about. He knew Nick was good at being subtle, and considering that he hadn't told Harry what the purpose of the interview was, he didn't want to freak him out too badly. 

"You've certainly been noticed more on social media recently, which is surprising considering the break you've had," Nick changed the subject easily, and all of the boys except Harry tensed up a bit when they knew what was coming. They knew they had to address it, but it didn't mean they wanted to. 

"Yeah, it was surprising actually, it's not all been good, but for the most part it's been bearable," Niall said. 

"What do you mean by that? I've only seen positivity from fans," Nick said, as if he hadn't heard what the boys had said to him. 

"Some of the 'haters' that we presumed had chilled out decided to pop back up after we postponed the tour, it's all been fairly negative towards all of us, but particularly towards Harry," Liam said as Harry frowned at him. 

"It's not just been towards me," he protested quietly when he realised where this was going. 

"No, but a large majority has been. I think it's been because the tour was postponed after he fainted at our London show," Louis said, directing his attention back at Grimmy, who nodded. 

"Obviously everyone's health comes first, but has it been getting particularly out of hand? Was that perhaps why it took so long to get the tour back on track?" he asked, knowing he had to word things correctly, always keeping one eye on Harry to make sure he wasn't reacting too badly to the whole situation. 

"Partially yeah, but to be honest, I think we were all feeling a bit rough. A few have been saying that we hadn't been on tour that long, but we'd all been ill the few weeks before tour had started, and I don't think any of us were in the right headspace for it, which is why we did take a mini break from it," Zayn piped up from Louis' other side. 

"Although, some of the things people were saying about Harry was disgusting, and quite simply, unacceptable. I've seen some horrible things on Twitter, and I don't think some of those people realise that it doesn't just hurt whoever it's directed at, but it affects the entire band," Niall said as the rest of them nodded in agreement. Louis noticed the shaking of Harry's hands that he tried to hide from the camera they were using to film. 

"None of us are going to stand for any of it. Those comments do take their toll, and I'm not trying to be ungrateful, none of us are, but there's only so much any of us can take before it becomes too much, and that'll only lead to more breaks. It's shitty, and you can't assume we won't see it, because chances are, at least one of us will," Louis said with a sharp tone to his voice. 

"Most definitely. And you're all feeling all good again now?" Grimmy asked as they all cheered before turning to a lighter topic again, with a game Grimmy had come up with. The interview was quick to wrap up after that, them each hugging Grimmy once the camera had turned off. 

"You're stronger than you think, Haz. You can give me a call anytime, if you want to chat with somebody who isn't in the band," Nick whispered in his ear as he pulled Harry into a hug, as Harry nodded and squeezed him a bit before letting him go. 

"I will, thanks Nick," He said quietly before they collected their things and began to make their ways back through the corridors. 

"Sorry for not telling you babes," Louis murmured as he grabbed Louis' hand, letting the three boys wander ahead. 

"It's fine, probably needed to be addressed, and I'm glad I didn't have to do it. Did management know about that?" Harry asked as Louis shook his head sheepishly, causing Harry to chuckle a bit. "You badass you." 

"That's me, love," Louis smiled as they let go of each other to exit the building, never taking the risk. 

_____________________________

"Simon wants to see us for a meeting in an hour," Louis groaned as he put his phone back down on the bedside table after reading the text that had popped up. 

"I'm sorry," Harry sighed as Louis rolled back over to face Harry. 

"What for, Haz? Not your fault that management are asshats," Louis shrugged as he brushed a curl out of Harry's eyes softly. 

"Because I bet you that's either about you leaving Amsterdam early, or the interview that went up yesterday. Either way, it's my fault we're in trouble again," Harry sighed as Louis shook his head adamantly. 

"Haz, I chose to do all of those things. I chose to come back from Amsterdam, we chose as a band to schedule that interview without telling them. And none of us regret it, no matter how mad they get, because it's worked, for now," Louis said, mind flashing back to the hashtag the fans had trended on Twitter shortly after the interview had been released, showing their support and appreciation for Harry and for the band in general. 

It was a nice change. 

They got ready for the meeting quietly, not feeling the need to say much. Louis had put on some music quietly to fill the silence, but it didn't take long for the both of them to shower and dress, Louis in a tshirt, jeans and vans with his sunglasses balanced on the top of his head due to the heat, and Harry in a floaty shirt, jeans and boots with a hat balanced on his head again. 

"Morning boys," Louis greeted as they got into the car that had been sent for them, the other three boys having been picked up already. 

"So, let's take a wild guess what this meeting's about," Niall said sarcastically with a chuckle. 

"I think it's gonna be that they're gonna finally let us be free with who we are," Liam joked, causing them all to chuckle, although the situation they were in wasn't funny in the slightest. 

None of them were really in the mood to joke once a silence settled over the car, all of them preparing for what was about to be yet another shitty meeting, but this time it involved Simon, so it could be so much worse. 

"I love you," Louis said quietly as they walked down the corridor that led to Simon's office, Harry bended down slightly to press a kiss to Louis' forehead. 

"I love you too. Always," Harry murmured as Liam knocked on the door and they all followed his entrance. 

"Boys, come in. Take a seat," Simon said, gesturing to the chairs on the other side of his desk. He had a couple of management people seated either side of him, but none of them could recognise any of them from previous meetings. 

"Now, I have a couple of things to discuss with you in this meeting. I'll start with you Louis, let's start this in chronological order," Simon said as Louis rolled his eyes, already knowing what this would be about. 

"How come you are currently here, and not in Amsterdam with your girlfriend?" Simon asked pointedly as he stared at Louis, as if he was trying to intimidate him. 

"Firstly, she isn't my girlfriend. Secondly, my husband needed me, so I went to him," Louis said, putting emphasis on the word husband. He knew that Simon despised the fact that they had gotten married without his consent six months earlier, but there was nothing he could do about it. 

"Your priorities lie with your image, and currently that image isn't doing very well since it appears that you abandoned your girlfriend in Amsterdam two days before her birthday for no apparent reason." He said, the sharpness of his voice still making Harry flinch a bit, even after five years. 

"No, I didn't actually. As far as the press are aware, Eleanor and I came back to London early because she fell ill, because unlike you, she is a decent person who understands exactly where my priorities lie. She was fine with the whole thing," Louis replied easily, making Harry raise his eyebrows. Eleanor had never been a bad person as such, she was just as stuck in this as they were, but he'd never exactly been best buddies with her. He'd have to remember to thank her when he next saw her. 

"Ms Calder does not get to make those decisions, and neither do you. To make up for this, during your first proper break from tour, which I believe is in six weeks or so, you will be spending that week in Switzerland with Ms Calder on a romantic getaway as a belated birthday present, and you will be buying her an expensive necklace to symbolise your love," Simon returned as Louis instantly began to protest. 

"I don't care what other plans you had Louis, you should've thought of that before coming back here. You'll be releasing some sort of tweet in the near future about how you are looking after your sick girlfriend, and you will be asking fans to send her well wishes, as a loyal boyfriend would do." 

"Ah, just as you wouldn't ever let me do with my husband, no?" Louis bit back as Harry patted his thigh under the table, trying to soothe Louis as best he could. He knew he was raging, and Harry wasn't much happier about the punishment Simon had set out, but they both knew there wasn't much they could do. 

"And that is the end of that. Now, the other reason I called you here today, and this involves all of you. Why is there a video on the internet of an unauthorised interview of the five of you with Mr Grimshaw?" he asked as Louis sat back in his chair, rubbing his temples with his thumbs as the other boys took over the interrogation for a minute. 

"We scheduled an interview with Nick ourselves to address the hate Harry was getting from fans," Niall said simply. 

"If you had concerns, we would've sorted them. A tweet, a scripted interview or something we had set up to ensure it went correctly. This, did not." 

"Something you had set up so you could control every last detail of it, you mean?" Louis asked harshly as Simon glared at him. 

"Enough. You boys are stepping way too far out of line. I want that interview taken down, now. It was not authorised, and has done more damage to your reputation than good. Now, Harry looks like a pussy who can't take an insult, which isn't entirely a lie at this point, Louis looks like he's in love with Harry rather than his long term girlfriend and the rest of you all look like assholes who don't appreciate your fans." he seethed as Louis' eyes darkened. 

"You can talk about me however you want, because I don't really give a fuck, but don't you dare insult Harry like that. He is the strongest person I know, and if there is one thing I won't take, it's any attacks on him," Louis said fiercely as he stood up from his chair, leaning over Simon's desk with anger in his eyes. 

"Maybe that pathetic anger of yours would be better directed to your girlfriend, Louis, protect her the way a boyfriend should. Or who knows, you might be putting a pretty little diamond on that finger next," Simon smirked as Louis' face changed to one of shock. 

"He's already married, he can't propose to someone else," Harry spoke up from where his hand was loosely gripping Louis'. 

"Nobody else knows that. I'd say you've been together long enough to know that she is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with," he said with a happy smile on his face, knowing he was getting to the pair exactly the right way to get them to do whatever he asked.

"No, enough. Leave them alone, they've done nothing wrong here," Liam said suddenly, making Louis and Harry turn to the three of them as Niall and Zayn spoke up. 

"I think we're done here, don't you lads?" Niall said finally as he stood up from his chair and the others followed suit. 

"There will be consequences if you walk out of this room right now boys! I warn you!" Simon shouted as they all walked out of the office, heads held high as Harry slammed the door behind him, instantly pulling Louis back and linking his arm in Louis' for support. 

"I need to test," He murmured as he tightened his grip around Louis' arm. 

"Boys, hold up a minute," Louis called as Harry sat down on one of the chairs in reception, taking the bag that Louis offered him and doing the blood test silently, with his head bowed. He still had the itch to relapse at times, even a week after his initial call to Louis, but he hadn't done so yet, Louis wouldn't let him. 

"Sorry you have to put up with all of that shit. I wish you'd let us take some of the blame, Lou," Zayn frowned as Louis looked up at the three of them from where he was crouched next to Harry's chair, ready to open a small coke can if he needed it. 

"You're not taking the blame for something that's not your fault," Louis said simply as he opened the can when he felt Harry gently tugging at his wrist before passing it to him, taking the bag back in return. 

"It's not your fault either, Lou," Harry murmured between sips of the sugary drink. 

"I know, love. Simon's just a twat," Louis sighed. "Sorry I'm gonna miss seeing your family again." 

"They'll understand. They always do, you know that," Harry shrugged as he finished the can before dumping it in the bin and standing up, promptly linking his arm through Louis' again for support. 

The five of them had to deal with a lot of shit in their lives, Harry and Louis more than most. But as long as they had each other, they could get through it all - the hate, the illnesses, the PR stunts, the shitty management. As long as they had each other, they'd be alright.


End file.
